Hello, and welcome back! This is our news roundup, told with an extremely niche bias. Today the great Chelsea Jacobson deserves a byline because she did most of the work, but alas there’s no room for two names. Software glitch.

Two pieces of housekeeping:

First off, if you haven’t already, check out Suzy Weiss’s pop culture podcast Second Thought, co-hosted by the hilarious Dan Ahdoot. One time they called George Santos. This week, they go over the latest Sydney Sweeney controversy and try a $60 loaf of bread. Of course I condone none of this, and have yet to listen to a podcast in my life because I respect myself, but some people would probably enjoy it. Maybe you.

And if you’re in need of wisdom, our resident advice columnist Abigail Shrier is here to help with her column Tough Love. They won’t let me write an advice column over liability concerns, but Abigail has been given free rein. But be warned, we don’t call it Tough Love for nothing. Write in for advice and a chance to be featured. And now, onto TGIF!

→ Mitch McConnell’s handlers need to be arrested: They are doing elder abuse. Where is his wife? Arrest her too, for letting him get wheeled around like that in front of their townhouse. There’s no garage entrance? In case you missed it, Mitch McConnell, 84, made his return to the Senate after three months of recovery from a health incident. Now wheelchair-bound, he just looks extremely frail and out of it. I won’t add a picture because it feels mean, but also, he’s not a vulnerable little kitten— he’s a U.S. senator, so I should be allowed to be harsh! Our elected officials are all about to shuffle off their mortal coils, so anytime you criticize them it’s like oh my god, how can I bring up politics with this poor, dying man. It’s a trap! Because really, he doesn’t need my snark; he needs to be wrapped in a warm shawl. And I need to be able to pick on someone my own age. In the same way Dianne Feinstein was dragged around till the end, it’s not right. It’s degrading. Don’t get me started on the idea that Biden could serve as president for another four years. Free Mitch McConnell! Let him watch his shows and eat dinner at five p.m., he has earned it and so have we.

→ We’re really doing South America colonialism again: A few days after then–Homeland Security secretary Kristi Noem met with Ecuadorean president Daniel Noboa, a prominent Noboa critic was deported back to Ecuador to be imprisoned. It was a reversal of the earlier ruling that he could stay, and it was fast-tracked. I’m sure it was just a coincidence? Nope! Noboa posted pictures of the deportation and wrote: “We said it, we did it.” You meet with a Trump official, you give them a list of enemies—and I’m sure some cash—and they handle the rest. It’s like how Venezuela is a new vassal state of ours. One interesting thing: Marco Rubio is bringing back old-fashioned colonialism. Soon Kristi and Marco will be striking deals for cinnamon and saffron and collecting levies from Argentina for defense spending.

→ Ed Sheeran debacle: Ed Sheeran decided to have Macklemore as his tour opening act, and the rapper took the stage to give a “Free Palestine” speech, like he was kicking off a course at Columbia or something. In the long debate about whether anti-Zionism is antisemitism, Macklemore leaves little doubt, in that he once performed wearing a fake beard and an oversized prosthetic nose in what was widely seen as a Jewish caricature. Anyway, New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft then pressured Ed Sheeran’s promoters to drop Macklemore, and Macklemore was dropped. You can imagine what happened next. Macklemore has become even more of a hero, gaining hundreds of thousands of followers, bringing more attention to the cause. All of Ed Sheeran’s other opening acts backed out of the tour, as did his own backing band. For a sense of the public tone, comedian Mike Recine posted: “Robert Kraft is a pedophile and someone should kill him.” So it’s all going really well, temperature’s nice and low out here. Recine deleted his initial, um, joke? and posted: “Hey everyone I’d like to apologize for the post I made last night when I said ’Children deserve to have legs.’ I didn’t realize that statement was offensive to the Jewish community and I will choose my words better moving forward.”

The idea here being, I guess, that Jews love to kill children, or at least blast their legs off, so telling people to assassinate Robert Kraft is the same as saying you want to save children. So, by extension, then, being pro–Robert Kraft’s life equals wanting to remove Palestinian children’s legs...